Mashed Bandicoot - Part I Transcript
NOTE: Feel free to edit this (do not vandalize) and/or make a transcript for part 2. WARNING: Explicit content ahead! (April 5th, 2015, Dr. Robotnik's Fortress) *knocks door 3 times* Knock knock! Robotnik: Who's there? *Mama Robotnik enters* Mama Robotnik: Your mother. Cortex & Robotnik: Mother?! Scratch & Grounder: Mama? Scratch, Grounder and Mario: Mama? laughs Cortex: Did i forget to mention Robotnik? I'm your twin brother! Robotnik: Wow. Cinemasins: Starting with a flashback! |Intro| Painty: Press start to begin. Cortex: A YouTube Poop production. Developed by NPCarlsson. And the Illuminati! *Intro music ends* Glutko: Mashed Bandicoot for the main course! Tastes like diarrhea. Crash: HAAAA! *Several months later* Cortex: Apparently you've been very busy since the last we saw each other. Robotnik: Yes, catching Sonic the Hedgehog-g-g-g. Cortex: What's the big f*ckin deal? *whats the big f*ckin deal plays in background* Robotnik: Have you seen this man? *holds up a wanted poster with Sonic on it* Cortex: screams HORRIBLE! Robotnik: You took the words right out of mouth! I hate that hedgehog! Cortex: Well, i don't care. Robotnik: grunts Throw him in the dungeon. Cortex: Wait, i have a plan. Together you and i will take over the world! Robotnik: You propose an alliance? Cortex: Yes grandma. Robotnik: Join forces? Absurd idea. I like it. Cortex: With my mighty intellect, and our unified furriness, we'll be unBEATable! So what do you say? Robotnik: You got it! *phone rings* Cortex: It's probably for you. Robotnik: *picks up phone* Robotnik speaking. MH: Hello! Are you ready to Mario time? Robotnik: What? This better be the wrong number! MH: Hey, who's that behind you? Hohohoho! It's a me! Mario Head! And i'm-a want to come with you! It's-a gonna be Eyore! Cortex: Why? MH: Why? I don't know. Maybe i'm just better than you. *pwn* laughs So, can i come? Robotnik: NO! | Cortex: Yes! MH: Oh boy! Let's do this! Cortex: What's the worst that can happen? head laughs Johnny Elaine: We interrupt your laughter and other people's meaningless lives for meaningless news. Dr. Cortex... Cortex: Who's your daddy? Johnny: Dr. Robotnik... Robotnik: Slam dunk. Two handed reverse. Johnny: And not a doctor, Mario head... MH: Hey i got a PHD! Johnny: Have been commiting suicide around the world. What can we do? When will this do? How will we do? Will i keep asking annoying-ass questions? Scooby-doo, where are you? Scoob: I'm right here! Cortex: Naughty dog! You make me look stupid! *puts Uka Uka on his face, driving the dog away* Aku Aku: Great, no evil. that sarcasm? Aku: Uh, no. self-test complete Aku: Well f*ck. *boom* Aku: What's happening? George Volcano: Hello, handsome. Aku: No, it cannot be! Mr. Volcano: F*ck off. *Majora moon appears* Aku: Oh sh*t. (cut to the Krusty Krab) Mr. Krabs: I've gotta get my millionth dollar back! *hits Spongebob* Spongebob: Ahoy sir. *hits him again* Krabs: Michael Rosen's voice Get out of the way, b*tch. Spongebob: Where are you going? Krabs: I'm going to fight Mario Head! nervous I mean Krabs has to go to the bank now! Spongebob: And who will be in CHARGE while you're gone? Krabs: Urine. Spongebob: Wow. I'm in... Charge? back to Canada! Krabs: Yeah, sure, why the f*ck not? *spongebob jitters, then explodes really like the use of that green screen explosion. Krabs: Ah sh*t. (cut to Crash's house) Aku: After many eons, my evil n*gga twinn has been freed from prison. Lawl. I f*cked him to protect the world from his underwear. Huvva huvva huvva huvva. To open the time portal, simply- (Cant touch this! NP Hammer ft. Aku Aku plays) Stop. Huvva time! Aku: Can't touch this! *splode* *tnt timer* Aku: Can't touch this Cortex: Homeboy. Crash: I have to touch you! Aku: Can't touch this *crash gets shocked* Aku: My, my, my ,my, children make me feel so hard, makes me say "Oh my lawl". Thank you for freeing me and yes i know i don't have feet. Feels great when you know you're down. A super dope (chant) from the oak town and i'm known as such. This is a button you can't touch! Crash: I touch what i want! Aku: You're not listening, you can't touch this! Crash: I'm gonna push this button, and i'm gonna push it so good, ohhhh! Aku: Can't touch this! Crash: If i see a great big threatening button, that should never, ever be pressed, i should just do this! Aku: Can't touch this! (BOOM!) Aku: Well done, you have killed us all. (Was that sarcasm? No.) Cortex: Suprise mothaf*cka! Like the frozen fur on your back, i keep fleeing back to the Antarctic. 10 flipping hours i spent alone in the frozen antarctic wastes! (Frozen) (Well this sucks.) Cortex: And so i've organized a little gang rape. Like a sex party except, without the party part. Robotnik: Get a move on! Visiting- Cortex: Time is over! I know! Let's start cumming! Brio: Hadouken! *crash spins the hadouken, hitting Cortex, making him ram into Robotnik and fall into the pit* Dingodile: Lunch? Ripharkiser: How about pizza? Dingodile: Alright! I want a peice of that! *gets in a car and drives off* MH: Hey! Don't leave me all alone! Come back! Crash: Hey MarioiraM yeH. MH: You Playstation characters never learn! pwn *jumps into the pit* (cut to the antagonists falling down the pit) Robotnik: I order you to break my- *everyone crashes* Uka Uka: You've landed us in the middle- (chants in tounges) Cortex: I have no idea what you just said. (cut to N.Sanity beach) Aku: You may summon me by playing the Ocarina of Time. Sauce. *Crash plays the ocarina* Aku: (boom) What do you need? Crash: Hey look at that it's Aku Aku, oh jeez. (Hey Woody McWooderson's here. Everybody dance now!) *Everybody Dance Now plays* Clank: What am i doing? Cortex: First a word from our sponsors. The science show! Crash: Piano! *a piano falls and crushes Crash* (All this modernization seems a little overwhelming, dosen't it?) Brio: There's got to be a simpler solution. Cortex: And naan dnA. Brio: Soluuution. Cortex: How much would you have to pay for this peeice of sh*t? Znu: 80 million dollars. *gets zapped* (DIE!) Ratnican: Uh sir i- *gets zapped* (You are ded!) Cortex: It's my great pleasure to DIE! FreerF! (From the people that brought you the electric sex pants...) Mr. Volcano: God damn these electric sex pants! (I can't beleel! Call now and recieve S3MN in a can! (Speaks gibberish) Stare into the dancing lights and you'll go crazy! Stare and dream!) Bikini bottom resident: Get that thing away! (And scream!) Moritz: Boring! Viktor: What else is on? Cortex: Think, Cortex, think! (Crash is love, Crash is life) Cortex: Oh, oh, sex, oh, oh! Give it to me! (Was that orgasm?) Aku: N.gin! N.Gin: What? Aku: What are you doing? N.Gin: I have been watching you delicious, filthy bandicoots and your hot sister! Aku: Ugh, punch him in the nuts. N.gin: Not my missile! That's my special place! I need that for company! And i haven't shaved! Aku: You gotta be shittin me. (That's enough sex jokes for now) N.gin: And when Cortex is N.gin, i will be Cortex! (laughs hysterically) Aku: You're f*ckin nuts. Ratnician: That's not very nice. N.gin: I'm sauce. I'm not here. Aku: I'm only going to say this ONCE N.gin. F*ck off. F*ck off. F*ck off. Ratnician: That's nice. Aku: Let's see what Cortex and Robotnik are up to. Probably doing coke with their idiotic head. Cortex: My hands aree huge. MH: No fair, i don't got none of em! Viktor: How are you fools? Cortex: Fine. Viktor: Cower you fools, before thee awesome might of, The Mighty Awesome Fools. Cortex: Let me see, i might have choccy treats here for you, in my pants. Moritz: CHOCCY TREATS? Cortex: Your face. Viktor: Oh yeah, tough guy? *tears out Cortex's brain* Let's play Minecraft. Dr. Hax: HAAAAAAAAAX! *throws monitor at the MAFs, which they dodge, leading it to hit Cortex instead* Viktor: This is the part where you run away. *Cortex does nothing* Viktor: Go on: *Cortex continues to do nothing* Viktor: I think he's dead. I think he's dead. Dingodile: G'day wanker! Dingodile's the name. (The misadventures of Dingodile intro) Dingodile: I ordered the pizza, so give me the pizza, and f*ck off. Or i'll shove them crystals right up me dingo. (What?) Cortex: Ugh, there was a pen*s in the urinal! SeriousuoireS who eats a sandwich while going to the bathroom? SeriousuoireS. Minions, i stand before you nude! Oh no, where are my pants? (The minions proceed to rub it in) Cortex: I'm surrounded by assholes! Uka: ENOUGH D*CKERY! Do we have a plan? Cortex: Joining and welcoming, my parasitic twin brother, Dr. Robotnik! Robotnik: You can call me your distinguished twin brother. Cortex: I don't think so. Anywho, I've totally got some N.Brio's totally cool steroid formula! With it i can totally create the most totally powerful mutants ever! And ones totally under my total control. And i will use this army to construct a totally cool robot, the most totally cool device i have ever built! And then totally troll the world! And i shall call this robot... the HORSEVIENNAMOOSE! Robotnik: No, no, you've got it in reverse! Cortex: I'm just trolling! DOOMINATOR! (Doominator commercial plays) Ratnician: That's a stupid name! Robotnik: I told yoou we should have named it after myself! Cortex: Well, i totally don't care. Ratnician: You stupid- *Cortex throws water balloon at Ratnician* Cortex: The next one is going right up your DINGO! D-D-D-D-DINGO, Dingo, Dingo. Krabs: Where is that pathetic twerp? Uka: Cortex, your track record for spreading evil is bullsh*t! Cortex: I know that, you fool. Uka: Bullsh*t! Cortex: And so i've recruited a few extra minions to help construct the robot. And i just know how to speak their language! (Cut to flashback) Cortex: Fish: Penguin leader: Well boys, it's gonna be ice cold sushi for BREAKFAST! (Ice Ice Baby plays, with the lyrics edited) Von Clutch: For a moment there, i think HEIL HITLER! But then i see my buttcheeks tingle with joy! Cortex: Tingle all you want! Clutch: Dr. Neo Cortex, you gay! (laughs) Cortex: What is the meaning of this? Pasadena: Not so fast, i'm passin gas, and i'm gonna whoo yo ass! Cortex: Sauce, if i win you'll hand over your ass? TPMC: Perhaps! Cortex: Holy sh*t! Clutch: Ahh, that is mein Tracky-pack Master Cheeks! Cortex: Okay Von Clutch, Drop the bass! (Drop The Bass plays) Uka: Cortex, you take the bass, i will play the violin. (plays something peaceful) Uka: Okay it's done. Don-Done. MH: Hey, you got something to drinky? Robotnik: No! MH: But i'm-a thirsty! (Robotnik grunts in fustration) *Robotnik teleports* Aku: So, um, how's about we save the world? Or stand around here, that's good too. *Robotnik appears* Robotnik: Give me that ICEE! Aku: What the? *MH notices a vending machine, and immediately buys a soda with Mr. Krabs' Millionth Dollar* MH: Oh boy, Finally! *drinks the soda* Robotnik: Here's your stupid drink! MH: Oh, sorry, i got a sodair! Uka: Cortex- Cortex: Don't bother me. Can't you see i'm working here? Uka: Cortex... *Cortex gets jumpscared* Cortex: Stupid animatronic b*tch! Uka: Cortex! Cortex: Oh well, this game is for furries anyhow. Uka: Cortex, who is this evil head? Robotnik: I don't trust him! Cortex: What do you mean? He's an idiot. (MH is listening to I Got No Iphone) Cortex: It's not my fault he's mentally disabled! *Incoming message beeping* Lordminion778: Boss, the Doominator is now under construction on Nasty Israel. Lol autisim correct, I meant N.Sanity island. Cortex: Quickly, to my private dirigible! (cut to the airship) Cortex: I love my airship! It's the only way to FlaalF! *Airship hits Cortex's old castle* Cortex: What the f*ck, who put that there? MH: Dude, we're falling right out of the sky! Cortex: I never read the landing procedure! Peppy: Do a barrab- Robotnik: NO! (A crowd is seen running from the airship. 2 of the CMCs run while AB is crushed by the Airship) Cortex: Oh, the humanity, TWINSANITY! Clutch: Heil Hitler! Chick Gizzard Lips: Wowie zowies! Did you see that- Coco: Fus Ro Dah! (Coco nutshots the reporter) Coco: F*ck pussy! (MLG content fills the screen) Chick Gizzard Lips: Ow, my d*ck! (To be continued this Febuary!) Aku: Stop, save your progress. Resetti: Or else you willl die, die DIE, DIE DI- (end)